Monday, June 29, 2009

its not my will. its his.

and i knew this time would come where sooner or later, hes gonna leave for school. &&this is probably one of thee hardest thing i'll ever go through . and one of those touchy subjects that just make you cry everytime you think about it..

i know things will work out in the end. faith&trust&everything will help keep this relationship. i think the thing that makes this hard is that ive never known what it feels like to have someone leave me.. i know that it will not be a good bye but it will be a see you later. four years of school without him & only seeing him when he comes back may be hard, but honestly deep down.. i know me and him together will make this work. i know i'll miss him everyday, but theres nothing wrong with that. :) hahaha. they do say, "ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER" .. this definitely will be a growing experience for both of us. but ill be behind chris 200% of the way :D im proud of my boy getting into ucla. :) and i'll be there for him every step of the way and every decision he makes!(: &i know that he wants the college experience so i'll support him all the way. i'll wait four years...and i'll wait more if i have to.. :) i'd do anything to make this relationship last cause he's helped me realize more about myself and others. hes made me see things differently and helped me change into a better person. :) im so thankful and blessed to have him & i cant lose that kind of person in my life.

and after writing this.. i think four years will be nothing!(; it'll be a piece of cake. well maybe not that easy.. hahaha!(: but i know that everything will work out in the end.
i think ive got it good & i have nothing to worry about.. :)

its coming together

&&this is what ive been waiting for. i think this past week is probably one of the best weeks this whole summer. even though summer may have just started. i feel this week was very accomplishing :)& im glad ! (: my prayers .. well some have been answered. ive been wanting to grow my faith together with chris.. &&what he said to me this past week just made myself go "wow." and thats what i love about having fellow brothers and sisters in christ. they help you realize things that you would have never thought. at first i was surprised that he did say that to me, but after i thought about it, i wasnt anymore.

&maybe i am being a jerk. i dont know. maybe it is wrong on my part && i shouldnt be that way. BUT ARGH! its so hard. but chris also did make me realize that i shouldnt be that way. :) HES SO GOOD &HELPFUL. hahah(: im not gonna let others get in the way of my summer. so being a non jerk would help ! hahaha!(; im not really jerky though.. LMBO.
my mom always says ..

i dont start it .. im just the after shock:) SERIOUSLY TRUE!
but things will come together with the help of god. i am FASHO about that!:) through the good and bad always praise god !:D

Saturday, June 20, 2009

its summer

its finally summer and i want to accomplish something this year :) taking the NEXT step but how will i know what that is ?i think thats my goal for this summer. to take the next step in this relationship with god. i dont know what it'll be but sooner or later through prayer & preservation, i know that i will have accomplished something this summer . &that would be "TAKING THE NEXT STEP" :D

GOD KNOWS WHAT IS BEST & I NEED TO KEEP REMEMBERING THAT. MY WANTS&NEEDS&WISHES arent whats good for me if god hasn't planned for it. so i need to stop and tell myself more often, this is god's will. NOT MINE.

&why do i find myself questioning a lot ?
&what will that next step in my faith be ?

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


lately ive been realizing many things that i couldnt find out by myself.. you start learning from friends and through prayer, you just cant do it by yourself. ive got many answers from praying &from talking with close friends, but how can i be sure if they are right? im always questioning myself to whether or not what i am doing is right or not and lately it seems like thats all ive been doing.
-is this what i want?
-is this what i need?

i want to just leave things alone but how can i do that. i feel like i have to act upon it.. i dont know. i have just been feeling so uneasy this past month because of everything thats been happening to me. people say its okay but is it really ? ive been told "you'll be okay, dont worry.." but how can you be that way? it is so natural to feel uneasy about what happened.. it felt so easy to be "happy" and act happy, but was it all just a show ? honestly was i really happy? or was i just acting that way so people wouldnt ask? but maybe it was easier to be mad about everything else than focus on better things

reality is reality. things change. people change. what happened, happened. you cant change the past & you cant change others .. but you can change yourself. maybe im the one that needs to be more open. maybe im the one that needs change.. i dont even know. im so confused.. lately thats all ive been.. maybe WE need change.

hopefully my answers to all my questions right now come soon. through prayer i know god knows what is best. &maybe if this isnt what god wants then thats whats best. because bigger & better things will come from it. (learned that from a friend).. to always stay positive & have faith.

all i want is to have what we had, back.. things definitely arent what they used to be. &now i just wish that there was that spark that we used to have..